Saturday, October 12, 2013

WITHDRAWALS

So as far as soul searching endeavors go, I think I have only ventured into oh...about the driveway of my soul. If I go any deeper I come across that same feeling I get when I am driving through a bad neighborhood. Women know. The one hand on the lock, the other hand on your pepper spray feeling. Yep, that about sums up the depths of my soul.

My journey was supposed to start with a cleanse. Purging my life of negativity. I have been Facebook free now for 12 whole days and it SUCKS!!! Negative feelings are full force!  Mark Zuckerberg is stalking my email and sending me harassing messages telling me he misses me. It's awful, these love letters from Facebook. Reminding me of all of the memories we fake shared with each other. I've apparently been poked AND friended since my absence! Which is way more action than I have been apart of the past 12 days/eternity. I feel no soul cleansing with my lent??? Just acutely aware of my trapped reality closing in. I picked up extra hours at work to start saving for my question mark of a future and keep busy. Its great-ish but I'm exhausted. On top of exhaustion, my impending 30th birthday in August and eventual death, my health insurance increased 110%!!! This was the extra slap in my liberal wrinkled face. I understand my extra premium costs will fund someone who previously wouldn't have qualified (due to their pre-existing illness) for insurance. The irony is my non religious heart says that's the right thing to do. Yep people, I have morals. Deep down I want to help pay for your cancer treatments, stranger. But I am selfish, broke and I need the extra money for a car and moving away or therapy or booze and juvederm. Whoever said money can't buy you happiness obviously had a trust fund and low serotonin.

I haven't spent any of my "Megan Lent" rereading classic novels or bettering myself in any way.  I did however finish all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad in 2 weeks :/ and am pretty sure the way out of this mess of a life is by starting my own meth lab and fried chicken chain restaurant.

HMMM I have been looking for my lesson in this and think I have found it. A cleanse always starts out feeling awful. Detoxing whether it be from meth, or the master cleanse or Facebook is a struggle at first. You have to deal with your demons, fat & loneliness... But the outcome seems to be positive with significantly less dental work. So full speed ahead and fingers crossed for the upswing.




Tune of the moment~ "A World Alone" by Lorde

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