For the past year, I have been having some sort of identity crisis. I look at most people around me my age and the typical life is as follows...Grow up, go to college/school, meet your future husband, graduate, get married, get a job, buy a house, own stuff, get pregnant, and have a family. This not to over simplify any one's life. I'm well aware that everyone has bumps in the road. Life is tough no matter who you are (If you are a minority or female I'll give you extra tough!). All and all this is the pattern I see over and over. Gradually it has started to look better and better and BETTER to me. Making me doubt my choices and wish for nothing more in life than simplicity. That shift in desires is where my identity crisis began.
I have been somewhat of a dreamer my whole life. Nothing felt better to me than escaping into something I created. Psychology 101 might say it stems from a childhood of torment by fellow asshole classmates and a deep rooted hatred for Catholic schools. I'd say that's pretty accurate.
My escape artist mentality led me to large city's, fresh starts, possibility, and the comforting anonymity that comes with a large population. In my head I saw a future full of travel, money, culture, experience, and amazing sex with my musician/graphic designer boyfriend who had an affinity for making me breakfast in bed and telling me how much he worshiped me. In reality, my future held moving home, losing pretty much everything including my dreams, taking care of my very ill mother and devastated father, and go through spells of complete isolation followed by something called spells of pseudo-dating (more about that another time).
I say when life hands you lemons, squeeze a wedge into vodka, and drunkenly ponder what the hell happened? I never really saw myself with children, owning a home with a lawn, attending family dinners and playing something called *Bunco with my other married girlfriends??? *Side note~Can someone explain to me what Bunco is? And I'm down to play but I'd prefer Uno! I play a mean Uno! These past years however have changed me and I can't seem to understand why? I find myself envious of stability, and relationships and people driving Volvos? I have a few theory's on my sudden shift in wants...
1. My biological clock exist and has started subtly ticking.- This means my eggs are dying and my body has turned on a weird internal clock letting me know it's time to find a mate or die alone.
2. Mobile, Alabama is subliminal advertising for MARRY UP (as long as you are not gay) - You know how when Pizza Hut commercials come on TV and the oooey gooeyness of the cheese and perfect slice make you ridiculously starving? Mobile is the equivalent of a Pizza Hut ad on steroids! It's monogamy and stroller central. Brainwashing me into thinking I must HAVE that life now...oooh and a pizza!!!!
3. Or I'm getting older, life has changed me and I realize now more than ever, how much I value the love of a family.
For which ever or all of the above reasons, I am lost in trying desperately to live for the moment while simultaneously plan some sort of future. Grasp on to what I truly want, without being blinded by my current situation and lack of control. It's exhausting! It is what has led to my Facebook cleanse, and to start this blog, and fingers crossed be more active socially and physically. Hopefully, with a little honesty, clarity, humor, and of course Oprah I can figure this out. In time, better myself and better my life.
If this doesn't work I plan on executing my Plan B. A voodoo doctor.
My tune of the moment~ "Anything We Want" by Fiona Apple
I have been somewhat of a dreamer my whole life. Nothing felt better to me than escaping into something I created. Psychology 101 might say it stems from a childhood of torment by fellow asshole classmates and a deep rooted hatred for Catholic schools. I'd say that's pretty accurate.
My escape artist mentality led me to large city's, fresh starts, possibility, and the comforting anonymity that comes with a large population. In my head I saw a future full of travel, money, culture, experience, and amazing sex with my musician/graphic designer boyfriend who had an affinity for making me breakfast in bed and telling me how much he worshiped me. In reality, my future held moving home, losing pretty much everything including my dreams, taking care of my very ill mother and devastated father, and go through spells of complete isolation followed by something called spells of pseudo-dating (more about that another time).
I say when life hands you lemons, squeeze a wedge into vodka, and drunkenly ponder what the hell happened? I never really saw myself with children, owning a home with a lawn, attending family dinners and playing something called *Bunco with my other married girlfriends??? *Side note~Can someone explain to me what Bunco is? And I'm down to play but I'd prefer Uno! I play a mean Uno! These past years however have changed me and I can't seem to understand why? I find myself envious of stability, and relationships and people driving Volvos? I have a few theory's on my sudden shift in wants...
1. My biological clock exist and has started subtly ticking.- This means my eggs are dying and my body has turned on a weird internal clock letting me know it's time to find a mate or die alone.
2. Mobile, Alabama is subliminal advertising for MARRY UP (as long as you are not gay) - You know how when Pizza Hut commercials come on TV and the oooey gooeyness of the cheese and perfect slice make you ridiculously starving? Mobile is the equivalent of a Pizza Hut ad on steroids! It's monogamy and stroller central. Brainwashing me into thinking I must HAVE that life now...oooh and a pizza!!!!
3. Or I'm getting older, life has changed me and I realize now more than ever, how much I value the love of a family.
For which ever or all of the above reasons, I am lost in trying desperately to live for the moment while simultaneously plan some sort of future. Grasp on to what I truly want, without being blinded by my current situation and lack of control. It's exhausting! It is what has led to my Facebook cleanse, and to start this blog, and fingers crossed be more active socially and physically. Hopefully, with a little honesty, clarity, humor, and of course Oprah I can figure this out. In time, better myself and better my life.
If this doesn't work I plan on executing my Plan B. A voodoo doctor.
My tune of the moment~ "Anything We Want" by Fiona Apple
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