THE SWAN

I have decided to undergo an extreme makeover ~ Megan Edition. Yes, my encroaching 30th bday has officially turned me age/body obsessed and borderline nuts.

I tend to day dream quite a bit. Recently, I was floating through my mind and I remembered an old reality show called "The Swan". It was TV genius in the height of the reality show era. The premise was a group of "ugly ducklings" aka hopelessly frumpy, single, aging, women who underwent a total body transformation (a plastic surgery smorgasbord if you will) to become a "Swan".  If you never saw the show you missed out on a true pop culture gem and possible emotional scarring.

My aging crisis and geographical location seem to have come together like a perfect storm. I have always had self esteem issues but, damn will nothing magnify those issues like being stuck in a rut in Alabama. My smile lines, completion, body tone, weight, crooked teeth, stretchmarked, pale/translucent, broad shouldered, button nosed, fine haired self is getting a true beating by none other than a very bitchy mean girl... Me! Don't get me wrong, I can look at myself and appreciate the good things I was given physically. My eyes are big and blue and a genetic gift from my mother. I get compliments from men and women alike on my baby blues. But, it's not like I can take credit for them? God knows I can't see worth a flip out of them and yet it still makes me feel good to hear that someone else likes the way they look? I actually like my teeth. I hate I didn't wear my retainers and they aren't perfectly straight but I like that they are big like Chiclets. All gangly and boxy, something about a big toothy smile is attractive to me. And last, my mole/beauty mark right under my left eye! I love it! I don't know why? It serves no purpose other than a future melanoma scare and it is just a brown dot on my face . But it's a familiar freckle I have loved about me even as a child and I am pretty stoked it's there. Other than that I have pretty much picked apart every inch of my body. Just hating on my poor self for not having perfect this or perfect that. I am insecure (have zero game) around men and especially insecure around beautiful women. I have always admired women who carry themselves with confidence. Who knowingly flaunt what they love about themselves. I actually have weird admiration for women who rock clothes 2 sizes too small and 2 feet too short. I find it unsettling and vulgar but "Damnnn girl!!! Get on wit yo confidence!" I can find beauty in the perfections and imperfections of other people. One of my favorite things about living in NY was being surrounded by so many people of all walks of life. Different ethnicity's, ages, cultures, styles, all together in this same magical city. I could see the beauty in women, men, young and old, every person unique, every day something new. I love real people based non airbrushed, ads. Dove, campaign for real beauty has done an amazing job inspiring women to give a little self-love...but do I still find myself longingly looking at the Victoria's Secret catalogue wishing I were taller, smaller, and bustier... Yep! That saying "You are your own worst critic" is 100% true.

Now with all my shallowness exposed. I've decided to take what building block options I have and undergo a self swan like transformation. Well no where near as extreme. Maybe more like duckling to duck? I am starting my process with god forbid ADULT BRACES!! Basically the equivalent of an orthodontic tune up. Like a Nascar pit stop for my face. Next week I will get top braces for 2 to 3 months and bottom for about 5 months to correct my irresponsibility. Next since I am single, insecure and old as dirt I intend on taking my brace face into hiding and staying out of public places. Work, gym and pure barre for the next few months ONLY! Which will equal money in the bank (Fear of being seen is very cost effective). Taking the very few perks of braces and running with it, I am basically guaranteed weight loss by not being able to chew! So starvation that's a plus? Then with my added gym and barre hours I am counting on a 6 pack or at the least a 2 pack by the time they come off! Now I might add in a few other minor procedures of self improvement. I'm thinking LASIK because I have been visually impaired since I was 11 and sight is essentially the key to narcissism. And I'll maybe top it off with a little Botox or Juvederm because it seems age appropriate!

Soooooooo maybe my FB cleanse hasn't helped my social life or stopped my envy of others? Well all I can say is bottoms up and braces on for trying.

PS ~ Not 5 minutes after I typed this, I received a life line screening ad in the mail addressed to ME for middle aged people with potential heart disease.

PSS~ Complete melt down followed.



Tune of the Moment~ "Ain't got no, I got life" by Nina Simone

A RIB FROM ADAM OR AN APE?

Men. I will never understand them nor will I ever lose my envy of them. I have never been truly in love with my body. The amount of estrogen coursing through my endocrine system forces me to be wrought with emotion and feel damn near everything. First off, I am a big proponent of the most feelings suck theory! Yes, I can love you to the depths of my soul. I can witness and feel the glorious beauty in my family's struggle on a deeper level than a man. But, I can't watch Hallmark Holiday commercials without getting choked up. I can't stop the stupid girly fantasies and over analyzing situations to death. I can't have sex without feeling things. Or because of my stupid girl hormones, I have limited self control and eat an entire cake my roommate baked for me in ONE day (I miss you Kelly). Being a woman is like being held hostage by your emotions... Side note~I firmly believe whoever came up with the saying "Follow your heart." should be shot. As a matter of fact I will never utter those words to anyone EVER. If you ask me for advice my response will be "Follow your head/brain because your heart is a dumb ass." Now back to men.

I am almost ashamed to admit this but for the longest time I thought men were incapable of feeling love or hurt or empathy with the exception of my Father of course. I have a wonderfully sensitive father and few parental issues. I come from a fairly stable set of great parents, who are still married and love each other very much. This is such a huge blessing and one of the things in life, I can actually say I do not take for granted and cherish deeply.  I honestly have no clue where this thought/idea came from. Maybe it was a middle school dance that I spent crying in the bathroom? Or the slew of emotionally unavailable men that I have dated that formed this very sexist view of the male species? Over time and rare moments of honesty I did open my eyes to the truth that men can love and hurt and can feel empathic, they just express it in very different ways. It's not always in the way, we as women might want or need them to express themselves. Hormonally, they just aren't built like us! In my heartbreak of knowing I will always be the one to love more, feel more and be more available is where I started to envy the male brain.

Women in general (not everyone, but a pretty good bit) tend to lose one identity and gain another. They go from having activities, and passions... to their passion being their boyfriend or husband or children or family as a primary focus. Men seem (to me) to maintain friendships longer, they still love their activities, have lifelong hobbies, and still manage to maintain their identity while just adding a relationship or a family to the mix. Its like adding icing on the cake. FYI- Icing is the best freaking part of a cake! I envy the ability to compartmentalize thoughts, let things go, and hold power. Not only physically are men dominant but they basically hold every high power position in the world!!!!!!  Oh God in heaven how I want a taste of that power!!!!! Typically a woman in a high power situation has to develop a masculine exterior, conceal their emotions and give off "I am a bitch so respect me" vibe or they aren't taken seriously. Or they have to be a professional bodybuilder. Along with all of the above...I think my biggest envy is I truly believe men have more fun than I do. Enter sad face here ➡️    ! They go golfing, fishing, and hunting. (Hunting is my personal polar opposite idea of fun! I quietly apologize to every bug I kill and genuinely feel guilt over taking a life, unless it's biting me then I justify it was in self defense.) Nonetheless they have more fun killing animals than I do watching Real Housewives. Just hanging with the guys seems like more fun than a shopping trip with the girls? I'm just gonna say it. I want a bromance people!!!!! Like George Clooney and Brad Pitt or Skinny Pete and Badger (minus the drug thing) or Vinny and Pauly D. complete with a fake tan. Bromances are like the creme de la creme of friendships and I will forever miss out on one because I am missing friends and a penis? Damnit!
Not all of my thoughts on men are envious. Statistically there is some kind of fucked up wiring in the male brain. Prisons have a significantly higher male to female ratio.  Violent crimes, pedophilia, and sexual assault are predominantly crimes committed by men. Terrorist attacks, men! Most wars and religious oppression, caused by men. Ugh every oppressed woman in the world, men. FGM, so men will marry them. Human trafficking is in demand why? Men. Basically most atrocities in the world are usually caused by men. Which really is the one of the saving graces in being a female. I am less likely to become a monster. Ummm Great???
So with all of these conflicting feelings, statistics and drama involving my love, hate, envy and adoration for men..not to mention my constant battle with my own womanhood and emotions.... Where does that leave me?

Well somehow I am still hopelessly cheering for Harry to meet Sally.
I'm still hurt that he rarely texts or calls.
I'm still in awe of the love, patience and sacrifice my Father has shown.
I'm still disgusted by the awful things human beings (especially men) are capable of.
I'm am still overwhelmed with pride and hope, when I hear of brave women across the world who stand up to adversity and torment simply because they are ...a woman.
I am just now starting to accept the fact that ice cream and I will have a life long battle and ice cream will always win!
I am so lucky to still share a bond with my Mother. One so deep, every cell in my being knows I am half of her and when I hug her, I am home.

I still will pick goose on the rocks over bud light any day of the week.
I still and will always lock my doors several times at night and carry pepper spray.

I still dream of traveling the world, success and of course love.

and despite my best efforts
I still have oh so many butterflies when he kisses me.

I guess that leaves me as I am... a woman.
I feel therefore I am! Ups, downs and in betweens. And I guess a few of those feelings aren't so bad after all.

Now accepting applications for Bromance position. 

Tune of the moment~ "It's A Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown

WITHDRAWALS

So as far as soul searching endeavors go, I think I have only ventured into oh...about the driveway of my soul. If I go any deeper I come across that same feeling I get when I am driving through a bad neighborhood. Women know. The one hand on the lock, the other hand on your pepper spray feeling. Yep, that about sums up the depths of my soul.

My journey was supposed to start with a cleanse. Purging my life of negativity. I have been Facebook free now for 12 whole days and it SUCKS!!! Negative feelings are full force!  Mark Zuckerberg is stalking my email and sending me harassing messages telling me he misses me. It's awful, these love letters from Facebook. Reminding me of all of the memories we fake shared with each other. I've apparently been poked AND friended since my absence! Which is way more action than I have been apart of the past 12 days/eternity. I feel no soul cleansing with my lent??? Just acutely aware of my trapped reality closing in. I picked up extra hours at work to start saving for my question mark of a future and keep busy. Its great-ish but I'm exhausted. On top of exhaustion, my impending 30th birthday in August and eventual death, my health insurance increased 110%!!! This was the extra slap in my liberal wrinkled face. I understand my extra premium costs will fund someone who previously wouldn't have qualified (due to their pre-existing illness) for insurance. The irony is my non religious heart says that's the right thing to do. Yep people, I have morals. Deep down I want to help pay for your cancer treatments, stranger. But I am selfish, broke and I need the extra money for a car and moving away or therapy or booze and juvederm. Whoever said money can't buy you happiness obviously had a trust fund and low serotonin.

I haven't spent any of my "Megan Lent" rereading classic novels or bettering myself in any way.  I did however finish all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad in 2 weeks :/ and am pretty sure the way out of this mess of a life is by starting my own meth lab and fried chicken chain restaurant.

HMMM I have been looking for my lesson in this and think I have found it. A cleanse always starts out feeling awful. Detoxing whether it be from meth, or the master cleanse or Facebook is a struggle at first. You have to deal with your demons, fat & loneliness... But the outcome seems to be positive with significantly less dental work. So full speed ahead and fingers crossed for the upswing.



Tune of the moment~ "A World Alone" by Lorde

UNO

   For the past year, I have been having some sort of identity crisis. I look at most people around me my age and the typical life is as follows...Grow up, go to college/school, meet your future husband, graduate, get married, get a job, buy a house, own stuff, get pregnant, and have a family. This not to over simplify any one's life. I'm well aware that everyone has bumps in the road. Life is tough no matter who you are (If you are a minority or female I'll give you extra tough!). All and all this is the pattern I see over and over. Gradually it has started to look better and better and BETTER to me. Making me doubt my choices and wish for nothing more in life than simplicity. That shift in desires is where my identity crisis began.
    I have been somewhat of a dreamer my whole life. Nothing felt better to me than escaping into something I created. Psychology 101 might say it stems from a childhood of torment by fellow asshole classmates and a deep rooted hatred for Catholic schools. I'd say that's pretty accurate.
    My escape artist mentality led me to large city's, fresh starts, possibility, and the comforting anonymity that comes with a large population. In my head I saw a future full of travel, money, culture, experience, and amazing sex with my musician/graphic designer boyfriend who had an affinity for making me breakfast in bed and telling me how much he worshiped me. In reality, my future held moving home, losing pretty much everything including my dreams, taking care of my very ill mother and devastated father, and go through spells of complete isolation followed by something called spells of pseudo-dating (more about that another time).
    I say when life hands you lemons, squeeze a wedge into vodka, and drunkenly ponder what the hell happened? I never really saw myself with children, owning a home with a lawn, attending family dinners and playing something called *Bunco with my other married girlfriends??? *Side note~Can someone explain to me what Bunco is? And I'm down to play but I'd prefer Uno! I play a mean Uno! These past years however have changed me and I can't seem to understand why? I find myself envious of stability, and relationships and people driving Volvos? I have a few theory's on my sudden shift in wants...


1. My biological clock exist and has started subtly ticking.- This means my eggs are dying and my body has turned on a weird internal clock letting me know it's time to find a mate or die alone.

2. Mobile, Alabama is subliminal advertising for MARRY UP (as long as you are not gay) - You know how when Pizza Hut commercials come on TV and the oooey gooeyness of the cheese and perfect slice make you ridiculously starving? Mobile is the equivalent of a Pizza Hut ad on steroids! It's monogamy and stroller central. Brainwashing me into thinking I must HAVE that life now...oooh and a pizza!!!!

3. Or I'm getting older, life has changed me and I realize now more than ever, how much I value the love of a family.

   For which ever or all of the above reasons, I am lost in trying desperately to live for the moment while simultaneously plan some sort of future. Grasp on to what I truly want, without being blinded by my current situation and lack of control. It's exhausting! It is what has led to my Facebook cleanse, and to start this blog, and fingers crossed be more active socially and physically. Hopefully, with a little honesty, clarity, humor, and of course Oprah I can figure this out. In time, better myself and better my life.

If this doesn't work I plan on executing my Plan B.  A voodoo doctor.



My tune of the moment~ "Anything We Want" by Fiona Apple