A RIB FROM ADAM OR AN APE?

Men. I will never understand them nor will I ever lose my envy of them. I have never been truly in love with my body. The amount of estrogen coursing through my endocrine system forces me to be wrought with emotion and feel damn near everything. First off, I am a big proponent of the most feelings suck theory! Yes, I can love you to the depths of my soul. I can witness and feel the glorious beauty in my family's struggle on a deeper level than a man. But, I can't watch Hallmark Holiday commercials without getting choked up. I can't stop the stupid girly fantasies and over analyzing situations to death. I can't have sex without feeling things. Or because of my stupid girl hormones, I have limited self control and eat an entire cake my roommate baked for me in ONE day (I miss you Kelly). Being a woman is like being held hostage by your emotions... Side note~I firmly believe whoever came up with the saying "Follow your heart." should be shot. As a matter of fact I will never utter those words to anyone EVER. If you ask me for advice my response will be "Follow your head/brain because your heart is a dumb ass." Now back to men.

I am almost ashamed to admit this but for the longest time I thought men were incapable of feeling love or hurt or empathy with the exception of my Father of course. I have a wonderfully sensitive father and few parental issues. I come from a fairly stable set of great parents, who are still married and love each other very much. This is such a huge blessing and one of the things in life, I can actually say I do not take for granted and cherish deeply.  I honestly have no clue where this thought/idea came from. Maybe it was a middle school dance that I spent crying in the bathroom? Or the slew of emotionally unavailable men that I have dated that formed this very sexist view of the male species? Over time and rare moments of honesty I did open my eyes to the truth that men can love and hurt and can feel empathic, they just express it in very different ways. It's not always in the way, we as women might want or need them to express themselves. Hormonally, they just aren't built like us! In my heartbreak of knowing I will always be the one to love more, feel more and be more available is where I started to envy the male brain.

Women in general (not everyone, but a pretty good bit) tend to lose one identity and gain another. They go from having activities, and passions... to their passion being their boyfriend or husband or children or family as a primary focus. Men seem (to me) to maintain friendships longer, they still love their activities, have lifelong hobbies, and still manage to maintain their identity while just adding a relationship or a family to the mix. Its like adding icing on the cake. FYI- Icing is the best freaking part of a cake! I envy the ability to compartmentalize thoughts, let things go, and hold power. Not only physically are men dominant but they basically hold every high power position in the world!!!!!!  Oh God in heaven how I want a taste of that power!!!!! Typically a woman in a high power situation has to develop a masculine exterior, conceal their emotions and give off "I am a bitch so respect me" vibe or they aren't taken seriously. Or they have to be a professional bodybuilder. Along with all of the above...I think my biggest envy is I truly believe men have more fun than I do. Enter sad face here ➡️    ! They go golfing, fishing, and hunting. (Hunting is my personal polar opposite idea of fun! I quietly apologize to every bug I kill and genuinely feel guilt over taking a life, unless it's biting me then I justify it was in self defense.) Nonetheless they have more fun killing animals than I do watching Real Housewives. Just hanging with the guys seems like more fun than a shopping trip with the girls? I'm just gonna say it. I want a bromance people!!!!! Like George Clooney and Brad Pitt or Skinny Pete and Badger (minus the drug thing) or Vinny and Pauly D. complete with a fake tan. Bromances are like the creme de la creme of friendships and I will forever miss out on one because I am missing friends and a penis? Damnit!
Not all of my thoughts on men are envious. Statistically there is some kind of fucked up wiring in the male brain. Prisons have a significantly higher male to female ratio.  Violent crimes, pedophilia, and sexual assault are predominantly crimes committed by men. Terrorist attacks, men! Most wars and religious oppression, caused by men. Ugh every oppressed woman in the world, men. FGM, so men will marry them. Human trafficking is in demand why? Men. Basically most atrocities in the world are usually caused by men. Which really is the one of the saving graces in being a female. I am less likely to become a monster. Ummm Great???
So with all of these conflicting feelings, statistics and drama involving my love, hate, envy and adoration for men..not to mention my constant battle with my own womanhood and emotions.... Where does that leave me?

Well somehow I am still hopelessly cheering for Harry to meet Sally.
I'm still hurt that he rarely texts or calls.
I'm still in awe of the love, patience and sacrifice my Father has shown.
I'm still disgusted by the awful things human beings (especially men) are capable of.
I'm am still overwhelmed with pride and hope, when I hear of brave women across the world who stand up to adversity and torment simply because they are ...a woman.
I am just now starting to accept the fact that ice cream and I will have a life long battle and ice cream will always win!
I am so lucky to still share a bond with my Mother. One so deep, every cell in my being knows I am half of her and when I hug her, I am home.

I still will pick goose on the rocks over bud light any day of the week.
I still and will always lock my doors several times at night and carry pepper spray.

I still dream of traveling the world, success and of course love.

and despite my best efforts
I still have oh so many butterflies when he kisses me.

I guess that leaves me as I am... a woman.
I feel therefore I am! Ups, downs and in betweens. And I guess a few of those feelings aren't so bad after all.

Now accepting applications for Bromance position. 

Tune of the moment~ "It's A Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown